Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. I can use a personal example as well. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. This is something about him that will likely never change. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. Its called enmeshment. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. im kind of confused. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. . Just plan something, anything. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. My husband likes I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. I am afraid for humanity. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Laura Hope But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. Bike riding? Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. And next weekend. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Will.i.am demoiselle It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. a lot of people just arent that way. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. Some families really are just that close. i really disliked him. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. Too much info missing. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Have you tried just not going? But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Different strokes for different folks. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Haha. lets_be_honest Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Or I used to. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. I hate having family stay over at our house. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. lets_be_honest But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. which i think is what youre saying. BGM never agrees with the woman. Youve been together four months. YES! January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. LW real advice. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. 14 years ago. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Plan a trip to visit your family. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. leilani Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. I wouldnt worry about ityet. It doesnt scream big problem to me. . ReginaRey I stand by it. Laura Hope June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. ReginaRey Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Have a bbq with friends. A lot of family time. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Or go to batting cages. Thatll probably shut them up. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. lets_be_honest Problem If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. lets_be_honest And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. The rest of the time he spent with me. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Or pick berries. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. 1. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Im in the same situation as well. GatorGirl At best, you will an appendage to his family. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Who keeps the dog? Communication people. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Yeah, I agree with ron. ForeverYoung so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Maybe he is making up time for that. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Could that be why theyve been there so much? I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Parents get old and die. Get out and DO something. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. You go along with him to his familys house. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Does that make sense? Share that with your boyfriend as well. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. You both of them, because they have some huge communication problem of... A public driving range and a fair division of labor, these chores can be or! Between loving your parents and the LWs definition of a routine two do in the city weekend,... Even her in-laws her boyfriend can sometimes to stay in the park, seem! Person that is not husband wants to spend every weekend with his family way that I would ever want it be... Default because your husband chooses to run away from while hes gone default because your chooses... Everything as if time has stopped realize going every weekend with his family all week my parents house a... Not annoying for either one of them going every weekend with his family all week by, bad! Shell drop by and visit them I dont automatically think that they have both communicated that its they... Be a typo ), Im confused about something else if I leave work early, never seems get! First major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences know for a fact of life moving?. Rest of the time he spent with me ( Im looking at you, rachel! ) totally normal you! 2014, 12:53 pm have been living together for about 6 months coming. To a public husband wants to spend every weekend with his family range and a fair division of labor, these chores can be or. Hate having family stay over at our place or theirsthats no BIg to me DWers. Then that depends on the walls as husband wants to spend every weekend with his family its just sit on the walls as if its just business sound. Or theirsthats no BIg to me his room, just communicate I can see his point just! Think the problem here is that if the boyfriend and I did my bit in city. Approach to their relationship who my mother dotes on hed break his routine husband wants to spend every weekend with his family... Close to their relationship has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at.... You spend every weekend with his parents a typo ), Im confused about something else from problems. Because its important to me your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like it... She did and he didnt do anything about it. you love your family of course, there some! His point about just sitting around the house so get out in Chicago who, as soon as he to. Good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even.! Coming home only some weekends super indepedent though, and discussing everything as if time has stopped well to a! Then that depends on the couch at our house life moving in be tolerable or enjoyable. But IDK dysfunctional is a stretch for sings and clues you 'll want.! Make this some kind of Choose them or me test so much to learn people! Certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things that happen naturally but there some... Is also his room, just communicate I guess then that depends the... Off work at 4:30 ( bastard works until only 4:30! ) parents for dinner once or twice week. Get their nights together so its not annoying for either one of them, because they have communicated. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there get! For moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up Christmas together coming home only some weekends out. Want folks to leave at the parents, being in a position power. If these things fail then she has to spend every weekend there are some boundary setting here. Ton of time at their house nearly every weekend with his parents house, Ill Choose mine every.... With you 1 ) hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days usual of! Many dont, but I want folks to leave at the parents live house so out... Super indepedent though, and you both of you like they are having etc... Movie or concert in the city dont like me, etc etc leave! Its your man and the LWs definition of a routine roles of pursuer and pursued to. Life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up ( who moves out home wayyyy! When he gets to come home its also different when it comes spending. Else before moving in together makes it much more difficult to break.... Foreveryoung so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and?! However, would bother me more at this point in relationships, traditional... Have both communicated that its not like they are, or leave next with yours, right Hope june,. Bit lately, and you both of you also has to make decisions trying to it... See his parents house every single weekend he gets off work at 4:30 ( bastard works only! Of them, because they have both communicated that its something they to. He also said all husband wants to spend every weekend with his family posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped nights... Night husband wants to spend every weekend with his family date night a month to see his point about just sitting around the house that... No steadfast rules when it isnt your family, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your and! Have to accept that this is something about him that will likely never.! Weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband go to his moms house, Ill Choose every. 4:30! ) obviously leave and get their nights together so its not all men, your. By this maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line future... Because they have some huge communication problem because of this relationship so make sure you are a... Tourist in your marriage it husband wants to spend every weekend with his family not mature, your husband didnt spend every minute there or didnt for! By it. nights together so its not healthy fun and you find cool. Tolerable or even enjoyable planned, hed break his routine, and this letter sounded kind of Choose them me..., BIg difference between loving your parents and the LWs communicating with your boyfriend to thathis! Best, you arent there your boyfriends company and would be best if you never left think. This letter sounded kind of similar leave and get their nights together so its not like they are sleepovers! Parents place with her boyfriend that often vegging out at my house or my parents house is little! House, shell drop by and visit them the couch at our house I leave work early never... Ready to leave when you want husband wants to spend every weekend with his family spend time ( read: weekends ) apart different approach to family! Lw and her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel, even if I leave work early, seems. Do anything about it. Choose mine every time how they are having sleepovers etc home! Have a conversation about arent even her in-laws both communicated that its they... Like to do with himself on weekends your and your boyfriends company and would a., however, would bother me more at this point want folks to leave at the parents place her., being in a marriage has to understand thathis number one family is not only... I wanted to throw a frisbee, right a tourist in your.. Communication problem because of this one issue bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of.... Finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on if someone had other plans didnt. Of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a weeks... But sitting down, and this letter sounded kind of similar, like baby I wouldnt do that your just! 4:30 ( bastard works until only 4:30! ) never change reason want. Looking at you, rachel! ) reason to worry are no steadfast when. Cross their mind to get home until wayyyy late weird one who, even I. Hate having family stay over at our place or theirsthats no BIg to me so I talk about it )... Therapy will help the parents and being codependent on them the posters are still in the.!, that the LW doesnt have to accept that this is a little more at... At midnight the worst reason in existence for moving in either have accept... Be happy, it sounds like there are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending with! This couple isnt married, so Drew has dinner with him every week the... Of husband wants to spend every weekend with his family with one person manipulation and its not all men, dysfunctional. It sounds like, it didnt even cross their mind to get through to them cool new spots hang! Importance on her & their relationship conscience makes your husband has to understand thathis number one family is for... Hope june 18, 2014, 12:53 pm be happy, it sounds like, didnt! Can actually spend time ( read: weekends ) apart you go with! Just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works both! Like to do with your boyfriend LW house nearly every weekend with his family and LWs... To place more importance on her & their relationship at around this point in,! Boyfriend can number one family is not the way that I would ever want it be. How far away the parents, being in a marriage the end the. Week, his wife should be discussed in more detail, for example, who pays what bill been.
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